Fresh from the stage at your first paying gig sixteen dollars and change per person when the singer from the headlining band three LPs out so far count ‘em grabs your ass says stick around you’re a rockin’ little doll and so you do all nerve-sweat and sex-flush and suddenly gone shy through the show’s long pummel to the encore and you wait out the rest of the gig in the parking lot two trailers down from the ramp with in-the-know roadies bringing you successive cups of bourbon and snarling at your mates don’t touch that ask me first or better yet don’t fucking touch anything and she sidles up miss cowboy boots miss miniskirt miss peasant blouse miss great big brian jones floppy purple hat and asks you how old you are and you lie and she smiles like she knows things you maybe want to know and this would be the time to reconsider but the bourbon and now the grass make you say yes before the question even gets asked and she tells you she’s been riding shotgun with the headliners since they were a canadian nuthin’ and no she’s not just a headhunting groupie she’ll be nineteen in two weeks she looks much older at least twenty-five she knows that lester has his sights on you and she doesn’t blame him although she insists she herself is faithful to the band and never balls any guys besides them so eat life baby if that’s what you want it’s all free and the sweetness won’t last forever just watch yourself cause no one else will never mind the hippie shit that’s just the line that gets you in the van before the door slams shut you ask her her name and its lindy no lilith no lindsey and she asks how old you are and now you’re too stoned to lie and she whistles and smiles and says another cherry for lester and your mates come running when she lights up another joint and you discreetly hop off the trailer stairs and go round the side to puke up the bourbon and return in a kaleidoscope of stars and tongue like sandpaper and lindsey signals it’s time it’s time and here they are with the roadies silhouetted at the top of the ramp guitar cases like crusaders’ lances well no not really not at all and bobby the drummer comes by and nods smiling and art the bassist says hey baby coming with us? and now lester with a curvy girl on his arm and he sees you and stops and whispers in her ear and she smiles at you and kisses his cheek and follows bobby and art and the guitarist who doesn’t look at you and seems pissed off or something lester says you waited that’s cool we’re going to a party at a friend’s place big place out past the battlefield which one you mumble this is mason-dixon line there’s a bunch of em around bull run he says and that other manassas? yeah like the stills and hillman outfit and he puts his hands on your ass and lifts you so you have no choice but to wrap your legs around his waist or else hang there like a dumbass ragdoll oh yeah he says let’s rock the night away lindsey walks by and tells him while she’s looking at you her name is mary right mary? but I’m gonna call her baby to keep it un-complicated and they laugh and you are on your way in a deep dark car crowded and fogging up with grass and the clink of bottles and you hear a zipper getting unzipped and you wait and realize it’s yours and lester is asking you questions about what bands you like whose your favorite guitarist and his finger is worming slowly inside you like he’s checking your temperature and you say jorma kaukonen and he says yeah? I thought I heard him in there somewhere and who else and you’re wet and afraid it’ll make him stop doing what he’s doing although you now really can’t say if what he’s doing is what you want and what is it you want something that has nothing to do with either you or him but which you are starting to think will magically turn out to be the thing he seems to want simply because it’s easier and it might turn out to be the thing you want as well and he’s in but it hurts and you go oww and he says relax or sorry or something but doesn’t slow down and you say wait wait and lift your ass off the car seat and he laughs relieved and lets you pull your pants further down off your hips and even though your bladder is full and you could pee like mad his fingers are like a clockmaker’s tick tock slow rub tick tock slow blur and someone up next to the driver says the directions were to turn right at the purple tent and go up to the top of the hill but what now there the driver says oh yeah fuckin’ hard to miss now like something out of gone with the wind and lester yanks your pants up and everyone piles out onto the wet grass cars and vans pulling up and all the lights are on in the house and it’s loud inside and the music so loud it takes a couple of seconds to register that it’s music and it could be anything a freight train a jet plane black sabbath but it isn’t and there’s wall-to-wall people laughing and yelling and little pockets of huddle all quiet and you don’t see any of your mates and you’re being pulled behind lester through the crowd and every guy says great show or you rocked it tonight man and all the guys look at you and nod smiling and all the chicks just look at you not smiling and lester is pulling you towards the stairs and up and it’s quieter here and you can hear robert plant arguing with jimmy’s guitar and you’re going down a hall and lester pushes open a door and there’s a girl on the bed getting fucked by two guys at the same time and lester laughs and closes the door and you might not have minded a longer look exactly how does that work and lester pushes open another one and closes it quickly before you can see and you hear a voice like lindsey’s on the stairs below saying oh put that thing away don’t be an asshole and you both step over a girl sitting in the hall with her skirt up around her waist and her eyes rolled white and a lit cigarette slowly smoking a hole in the rug and here’s another room and lester makes you sit on the bed while he kneels and pulls your pants off in a big rush squints and puts his hand on your belly says ooh bad girl thought so cause you’re not wearing underwear and then puts his hand on your cheek says you alright and you say trembly dumb close to tears that you’ve got to pee and he says come on and you’re in a bathroom with strange magazines in neat piles on the hamper and floor and he takes off his shirt while you sit on the toilet and he’s got an animal look in his eyes that you’ve seen before but now you know what it means and when you’ve wiped and flushed he sits you on the counter kisses you pulls his pants down puts his hand on the back of your head tilts it down so that you see what he’s got in his other hand and it’s not as huge as nightmare but still it’s pointing right up at you and you want to touch it thick-snouted bull-necked but you don’t want to touch it shroom-capped and drool-tipped and he puts his hands under your knees spreads your legs lifts them up till your knees are level with his nipples and then he’s in and of course you gasp and he says yeah and pushes in and you keep gasping and the music suddenly gets louder like it’s right outside the window and he pulls your hair till it hurts and you stare into his eyes and his mouth is open and he’s making a funny huh-huh-hunh sound every time he goes all the way in and you can’t believe the size the feel of that inside and then the slippery smooth absence and if he were to ask you whether you like it you’d say yes but it’s not his dick or the fucking that you’d be saying yes to and maybe he knows that and it doesn’t matter and he’s going harder and faster and deeper now and your gasps turn into a moan and you bite your lower lip and it’s a moan like when someone worries a bruise or a mosquito bite or your tongue against a loose tooth it hurts and it hurts nice a liquid tearing nice so you can’t stop doing it and he’s giving out little groans and says oh baby you are one fucking sweet piece of ass and this would be the moment you suppose when you should say thank you but you don’t and he pushes you down and there’s something digging in your back a soap dish or something and he tells you to open your shirt and you let go of his shoulders and stumble your fingers over your buttons and he laughs when he sees your hot tuna tee-shirt and he makes you pull it up right under your chin and he aims and spits on both your nipples and tells you to rub them and his groan takes a stairstep leap and there’s a metal buzz going through your head where it’s hitting the bottom of the mirror and then suddenly he stops and hangs above you and you feel his heart beating inside you and his muscles relax and you let your legs drop from around his waist and he straightens and smiles and says I love you wild girls and you push yourself up on your elbows and watch the sweat and spit shining on your breasts and then both of you notice lindsey standing in the door and lester pulls out with a little gushing noise and says aww babe and lindsey lights a cigarette and he does up his pants grabs his shirt and as he goes past her she says we’ll talk later and then she closes the door and leans against it watching as you shimmy your ass off the counter and stand there feeling happy sad first real fuck and not ending the way you thought it would and she’s got your jeans and tosses them to you and you start to say sorry and she laughs and says oh that? don’t worry about it I’ve got to keep him on his toes I don’t want him knowing that I don’t really give a fuck it’s all part of the game so long as the music doesn’t suffer and anyway who am I to throw stones I was exactly where you are six years ago and believe me I didn’t have a nice big sister to tell me what was going on and you stand there holding your clothes against your chest like you’re in gym class and feeling what a skinny shrimp you are compared to her and you ask what is going on? and she says rock and roll baby sex and drugs and rock and roll and nobody’s got all the answers just don’t be stupid and sell yourself short it took me a while maybe it’ll take you less but every chick who wants to be part of the scene goes through the same song and dance and I had a lot of unworthy dicks in my pussy before I figured it out and she stops fusses with her lighter and you say so you were there the whole time watching the whole time oh yeah lindsey laughs the whole time all six glorious minutes and you start to cry just like that not a leak but a faucet and lindsey comes over reaches round to wad a snuffle of toilet paper and tells you sweetly to grow up it’s not love baby and he won’t be back tonight but who knows maybe next tour and then you’ll be different you won’t be strung out with great gallant knight on a white horse expectations which no hard cock could ever hope to deliver and you blow your nose all snotty and muffled and say it was my first time and lindsey says you sure? and you start to say something but she looks thoughtful and says I didn’t see any blood on his prick and you don’t know what to say but you need her to believe you so you pour out in a great weird rush of words the trauma with the letter opener and the psycho governess and her eyes actually register surprise and she puts her fingers to your face and says oh baby oh poor baby and then says so what fuck the past from now on this was your first time and there’s always got to be a first time and lester has a gift for sniffing cherry and in a year you’ll be thankful it was him and not some kiss and tell asshole and she puts her fingers on your chin and tilts your head up and you say you really think so? and she says I know what I’m talking about and I know so now clean yourself up and let’s go downstairs and get super freaking high there’s a hundred guys to fuck and a hundred cocks to suck if that’s what you want but come on guitar-girl you’re the one on the stage make ‘em all think they have a shot at you and then pick and choose and you nod and wipe snot and tear from cheek as lester leaks in a warm little stream down the inside of your jeans and you will tell yourself years from now that this was the moment you resolved to alternate slut and nun and give up on the search for a perfect lover becoming rather mistress and virtuoso in both worlds the world of cup kiss lick suck gag swallow and repeat and the blue-white kingdom of utter happy solitude where your guitar is your cross and talisman and shelter and only true friend.
In the summer between ninth and tenth grade Mary officially lost her virginity. She banished the word ‘no’ from her vocabulary for the next year plus, gluttoning on the experience of everything and everyone, and earned a reputation for being fearless, reckless, in the ways of love.